Dear straight men,

The purpose of this piece is to (attempt to) enlighten you on - you guessed it, COMMON SENSE. Think of this as your go-to common sense guide whenever you feel like an impartation of uncommon sense has just descended upon you, or whenever you start to re-suspect that the world revolves around your penises. And who better to give you common sense tips other than the very greatest common sense advocate of all time? Right? And - this is super important: remember to share this with your fellow straight men. Y’all need each other in this difficult time because, trust me, you guys are about to be SHOCKED.

1. Feminism is not about you. Get over yourselves.

2. Not every gay man in the world is in love with you. I KNOW. Shocking.

3. Women pretty themselves up and go having fun because we want to pretty ourselves up and have fun. ‘Get raped’ isn’t exactly always on our to-do list. You’re welcome.

4. I wouldn’t grab your butt so matter how sexy it looked without asking you first. Do you mind extending the same courtesy to me?

5. Before you arrive at the conclusion that this is some acerbic piece from a seething, lonely and manless girl, I’ll help speed up the process: It is!

6. It is indeed humanly possible to give a woman a compliment without putting down the rest three point something billion women in the world.

Example:

Compliment: You look good without makeup. Excellent!

NOT A COMPLIMENT: You look good without makeup unlike ’dem boogie ass bitches with ’em fake lashes and ass tryna’ snag a nigga. Not excellent!

7. Having a sister and a mother does not automatically make you a PhD-holder in Straight Women Affairs. I have a vagina and unfortunately, I like men, so I know what it’s like to be straight, female and living in the world today. Well, don’t look so surprised!

Your starved, sadly unbalanced, ludicrous and inviable ideas on masculinity are not templates for the rest of humankind to follow. For Christ’s sake.

8. This might come as a humongous blow to your elephant-sized egos, but there are women in the world who just aren’t, you know... ugh, don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but like, not all of us are into you. Cool? Cool. So will you stop stressing over women who don’t stress over you? Geez.

9. The thing is, many women, short or tall, fat or skinny, light-skinned or dark-skinned, etc, one hundred per cent love the way they look in fancy shoes and smouldering red lipsticks and therefore are not dying inwardly to hear you say they look like diamonds in the night sky. And if you must compliment us, you should know that (ii) you are not entitled to anything other than a thank you and (iii) you can do so (that is, offer this compliment) without dragging every other woman on planet earth. See Number six.

10. The next time you’re about to shame your homey for crying, remember: Normal homo sapiens have almond-shaped glands that secrete salty drops of water from the eyes when one is feeling sad, angry, overwhelmed, happy, etc, and it is COMPLETELY OKAY, I promise. You can write that down somewhere. And see an oculist if you suspect your lacrimal glands are dysfunctional. You’re welcome.

11. The friend zone is NOT A THING. There are women who literally do not want to be your girlfriend OR friend. You are not entitled to a woman’s friendship. Kindly let this sink into your heads and lie there.

12. Your starved, sadly unbalanced, ludicrous and inviable ideas on masculinity are not templates for the rest of humankind to follow. For Christ’s sake.

13. Google feminism. It’s cheap. It’s fast. It’s easy.

14. ‘Not all men,’ is probably not the smartest answer to, ‘Patriarchy is a fucked up system that enables and allows men get away with harassing and assaulting women, dehumanizing and objectifying women, killing women, having women live unsafe lives and impeding the collective progress of women around the globe, and this makes the men who hide behind this system and defend it trash.’ Which, you know, happens to be the lot of you.

‘No’ is not the global code word for, ‘Convince me.’ Well don’t ask me - I don’t know it either!

15. Women orgasm too. Surprise!

16. The only person who gets to talk trash about the shape or size of a woman’s boobs is the baby who might or might not someday suckle on them. And anyway babies are perpetual love-terrorist/milk-hungry monsters, so they sort of take them as they are. Bottom line: take your “I’m Looking For The Perfect Boobs” problem to the altar.

17. ‘No,’ is not the global code word for, ‘Convince me.’ Well don’t ask me - I don’t know it either!

18. Do not worry about being called a rapist if you have never:

  • A. Raped a woman
  • B. Attempted to rape a woman
  • C. Shamed a rape survivor
  • D. Made rapey jokes/comments
  • E. Defended or excused rape
  • F. Did I mention raped a woman?
  • 19. Nobody cares how many flowers you put behind your ear in the name of ‘redefining masculinity’. We didn’t come all this way because we wanted you guys to start wearing roses. We came all this way because we want empathy. We want change. Equals opportunity and value. But, I mean, the flowers look good sha.

    20. Stalking is not romantic. Please stop it.

    21. Having to say no to you guys a hundred times is not romantic. Please stop asking.

    ‘Not all men,’ is probably not the smartest answer to, ‘Patriarchy is a fucked up system that enables and allows men get away with harassing and assaulting women, dehumanizing and objectifying women, killing women, having women live unsafe lives and impeding the collective progress of women around the globe

    22. Telling people you’re sleeping with a woman you’re not sleeping with is NOT COOL. Please stop it.

    23. Telling people you’re sleeping with a woman you ARE sleeping with, without both of you consenting to publicize your ‘relationship’ is not cool. Please stop it.

    24. This list could go on forever, but I’m going to generously assume that you’re starting to get the picture. Bottom line: Apply common sense, every second of the day and at all times. It’s counter-counterproductive. Sho get?

    25. Thank you for coming to my ted talk. Hit subscribe for more insightful and innovative content.

    Yours sincerely,

    Shalom

    Photo from pixabay.com